I must apologize for my absence…. time flies when you are having fun.

Yep, I’m still here and I am still pregnant.  : )  I DID actually pass that magical boundary into the 2nd trimester, which basically means my chances of miscarriage have been lowered to something like a chance of 1%.  Big fat PHEW!

Really, at this point, at 15 weeks (!!), I feel completely normal.  My only reminders that I am actually pregnant are the little “twinges” and “pulls” I feel in my lower belly (uterus) from time to time and discomfort when I try to sleep on my belly (my favorite way to sleep unfortunately).

Other than that, I feel like I have more energy than usual.  Guess I should take advantage of this and try to accomplish a lot before I get sluggish and lethargic, which is supposed to hit in the 3rd trimester.

I find out Baby D’s sex on May 7… that seems like an ETERNITY away.  I am dying to find out.  Oh yeah, and s/he’s the size of an avocado now!

More soon…

I belong to an infertility forum called, Fertile Thoughts.  The forum has brought me great comfort over the past 6 months or so as I was fully immersed in the world of “ART” or assisted reproductive technology.  It’s a life that revolves around one’s monthly cycle and if you are infertile, it truly feels like a neverending, hopeless story.

One of the gals who posts regularly on this forum is a woman named Charity.  As her name suggests, she is one of the kindest, most supportive, helpful gals on the forum…. always quick to give advice, encouragement, virtual hugs, etc.  She is also a strong, independent woman who had made the decision to use donor sperm to pursue her dreams of having a baby on her own.

She and I bonded because we had our iui procedures on the same day… thus we had to endure the dreaded 2week wait (the 2 week period between ovulation and the time when a pregnancy test can confirm a positive result).  This wait feels like an eternity as those who have endured infertility treatment can attest.

So the day I got my BFP (big fat positive) – a major milestone in the world of infertility, Charity got a BFN (big fat negative).

This day was the start of a major emotional rollercoaster ride for me… however it is nothing compared to the ride Charity endured.

A few days later, she happily posted that the AF (auntie flow or menstrual period) she thought had arrived, was simply spotting (common in early pregnancy), so she took another HPT (home pregnancy test) and it was a BFP!!!  We all reveled in her joy and happiness.  This was the best news ever.

A few weeks later, Charity posted that she had gone in for an ultrasound and learned that there is a slight possibility she could be having twins.  She was ecstatic.  Again we reveled in her joy and happiness.   The doctors could not tell for certain if it was a twin or a blood clot, so she scheduled a follow up appointment for today to learn how many babies she’d be having.

Today I read the following post with a very heavy heart:

Hi girls,

I’ve got some terrible news.

I had my sonogram today to determine whether or not I am pregnant with twins. Instead, I found out that my baby died about a week ago. There was no heartbeat.

I’m scheduled for a D & C on Friday.

I will be taking a break indefinitely.

Thanks for all your support and encouragement.
I wish you all the best.

Heartbreaking.  Her due date was just a day after mine.  News like this scares the bejeebers out of me.  After all, this could be my news next week.

Sending you my love, Charity.

I don’t know why how/when to “spill the beans” is such a big deal to me, but it seems to be something that has occupied a LOT of my energy lately.

If it were up to Pete, he’d just send an email out to everyone we know and be done.  As for me, I really need to do this my way.  Which is I really prefer to tell friends one by one or in small groups.  AND, there are certain friends I want to tell before others.  For example, I felt the need to tell my good friend Anna first… unfortunately, that isn’t going to happen, because I’ve already told a couple of friends first (oops)!!  But Anna is my friend who has truly been through the infertility battle with me since the beginning and I truly believe that she understands more than anyone else since she dealt with her own issues before giving birth to the fabulous, gorgeous baby Kamila.

We went to dinner with a group of friends last Saturday night and I know that Pete wanted to “make an announcement”, but it just didn’t feel right to me.  First, the purpose of the dinner was to catch up with our friend, Ian, who is visiting from Australia for a few weeks.  Also, I don’t like the idea of blurting it out to a big group.  I’d rather share the news with a couple of friends so that I can give the news the attention it deserves!  I want to talk about how I got a negative result the day before I got my positive blood test.  I want to talk about how difficult the last few weeks have been due to nausea, exhaustion and general stress.  Etc, etc.

Luckily, Pete was “good” and kept his little mouth shut!!  There were a couple of moments where I was “bracing myself” – ha ha ha!

Oh and even better, I ordered a mint-lemonade which everybody thought was a mojito – love it!

Here’s the latest post from the BabyCenter.com September 2010 Birth Club… I should write a book!

So a womens clinic will give ultrasounds? I am driving myself CRAZY thinking something is wrong because I am having absolutely NO symptoms, and I can’t go to the dr until medicaid gets approved and I can’t mail the app in until tomorrow when DH gets his proof of income from his grandfather. (Family owned car business) So it will be weeks before Medicaid gets approved and then I dont know if I will get an appt right away, and I just can’t wait that long. I will give myself an anxiety attack before then!! I just need to see the heartbeat and I will be fine, but this having no symptoms is really making me crazy!! I mean I usually don’t worry about things, but I am obsessing over this. My DH even said so. What should I tell them if I go to the womens clinic? That’s where I went to get my confirmation test for medicaid and I saw then that they do U/s, but I didn’t know the circumstances on which they will give them. Will they give me one just because I am freaking out thinking something is wrong?

I am partaking in one of my newest favorite hobbies:  surfing the BabyCenter.com September 2010 Birth Club forum.

There is some seriously shocking stuff I have learned in the last 5 minutes:

• One woman wonders what to do with all of the beans that she gets with her WIC coupons
• One woman confessed to eating only Fun dip, smarties, lemon heads, Reese cups, ice cream, donuts, cake, and cookies
• One woman was stressed because the Medicaid application takes months and she needs to get in to see an OB/GYN since she is pregnant (!!)
• One woman who had to post-pone her OB/GYN appointments due to the fact that she has to save up for the copay

I can’t even summarize this one, so here’s the entire posting (with typos!)

… my “exfutureMIL” told my mom today

that I’m pregnant… I was holding off till this Thursday, when I had an actual sonogram in my hands, I was terrified of my mother knowing because I KNEW she’d tell me I had to get “rid of it” (I’m 24, there’s no way she could make me, but she’d try..) I was also waiting to get my insurance, and signed up for financial aid in my area, and to get enrolled in school.. All these things were to soften the blow (and I have done all of them, save actually going to my first appt.), and help her see that I’m very serious about this. I KNEW what I had to do the second I saw the positive on that little test, my XDF did not, and was not picking up his feet fast enough, so I decided to end it. When I decided that, he immediatly went home, packed his sh*t, and “started walking down the railroad tracks, north”. Upon hearing about her sons trek, and the reason behind it, his mother proceeds to come to MY work, and yell at me.. of course, I had to ask her to leave, after a halfhearted attempt of telling her that I was prepared to be a mother to our child, but that I wouldn’t be his mother also, and that I never ONCE said he couldn’t see LO, he decided to “leave” all by hisself.. she calls my mother… at work.. and tells her.

WTF!!